Seleca's Harp (selecasharp) wrote,
Seleca's Harp

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You know what? [whining alert]

I hate my brother right now.

Well, that's not strictly true. I just hate the fact that I have to go India for his wedding. It's driving me, almost literally, crazy. Let me explain.

What really drives me crazy is all the shit you have to do to go to this country. I mean, not only do I need a passport, but I need a visa (money), FIVE immunizations (HELLA money), and plane tickets (even more HELLA money) WAY in advance. Which means this is not a two-week trip - it's a fucking six-month ordeal. This whole post today is inspired by the fact that the pharmacy called to say I have to pay $430 for the typhoid vaccine. Which, incidentally, my brother supposedly got for $90. This means I have to go to the pharmacy, figure out what the fuck is going on, and possibly take the stupid prescription somewhere else. I also, not incidentally, have to return later to get the rest of the malaria prescription, since my insurance wouldn't allow more than a month at a time and I need seven weeks. This is not to mention the fact that I'm actually on this new medication right now for my apparently underfunctioning thyroid, and I'm supposed to start birth control pills again soon to regulate my non-existent cycle, except oops! the goddamn provera hasn't worked and my stupid period hasn't started like it should have, which means I probably have to go to the doctor again and I've been three times in as many weeks and I want to scream.

Next. I can't afford to go to India. I'm getting paid absolute shite for a full-time job AN HOUR AWAY FROM HOME. This means 1. I have no fucking time because I'm always DRIVING, which means less of the happy fun things that keep me sane. It also means 2. I'm fucking poor because of the whole gas thing, not to mention the shite pay. Add in Aslan's eight fucking hundred dollar ordeal and I want to kill myself or declare bankruptcy, except I can't.

On the work note, I also only have ONE FUCKING WEEK of vacation - and this granted AFTER I was here a year. So obviously I'm blowing all of it on this trip, as well as having to work some extra hours gratis for the OTHER week. This means that I cannot take ANY GODDAMN DAYS OFF FOR A FUCKING YEAR, EVER. I haven't had a vacation longer than three days since last August, and this one doesn't count, because it's going to be extremely stressful. And guess what? I don't get more than three days until NEXT August! So, basically, if I can't get another job and have to stay here that long, I'll have worked for over TWO YEARS with no break because of this. TWO FUCKING YEARS.

I honestly can't tell if I will be able to do that. I'm seriously worried, for the first time in my life, that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I mean, I'm normally very even-tempered, calm, have never had any mood or emotional disorders or problems or anything, and I almost never cry unless it's a really good reason (dead people, huge fights with best friends, that sort of thing). And now I'm constantly on the verge of tears, worrying about whatever the hell it is going on at the moment, and dreading this trip so much I want to kill my brother or his fiancee or myself just to get out of it. And I have to wait more than a month before I can go! If I could just go now, then it would be over and I could really concentrate on getting a new job closer to home, which I can't now because of this trip!

It's probably unfair to blame everything on India, but I wasn't doing that badly until I had to deal with the shitload of problems that cropped up because of it, and I'm always, ALWAYS worrying about it, and I just want it to go away. But it won't, and I have to worry another month and a half, and by then I think I will have had a nervous breakdown. Or something close.

I'm happy Rob has someone he loves, but why the hell do *I* have to go India? And what's more, I didn't know this girl EXISTED until he announced he was marrying her. So I drop everything and ruin my mental health for someone he never bothered to tell us about? I mean, I understand he's my brother and all, but for godsakes if he had some conflict with crossing only the COUNTRY to come to MY wedding (a two-day trip at most, and it's still the US!), I'd just be like "send a gift", not demand he fuck up his life for AN ENTIRE YEAR to go to my wedding. Not to mention make himself utterly broke to do so as well. But I probably can't get out of it, and I'd feel guilty for making my parents pay for my plane tickets and such. And I know they don't really want to go either.

I really don't want to go to the pharmacy today.
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