Two hours later, I have gone two miles.
Listening to the radio affords me the information that, for some reason, the road ahead is closed. I was stopped JUST PAST exit 17 - the next exit is not until 22, so yes, over two hours to go five miles. With Jess as my co-pilot (using the interweb to get me directions), I take exit 22 as soon as I get to it, follow some complicated directions the_sports_geek gave but they at least keep me on PAVED roads (which trust me are a rarity down there), and after a long while wandering around in the bumfuck part of the state I get to the road I know while will take me straight home, albeit after awhile. Smooth sailing, I think! I know how to get home from here, even if I've never been THIS far south on this road! Happily I drive, anticipating getting the fuck out of the car.
Until I find out THIS ROAD IS CLOSED TOO.
A ridiculously long detour later (seriously, ridiculously long as there are NO ROADS SOUTH OF ME APPARENTLY), I FINALLY get home. Elapsed driving time: 3 hours, 15 minutes. Usual elapsed driving time: one hour. Swimming: a no-go as it's waaaaaaaay past pool closing time. Dinner: two hours late. Me: NOT HAPPY.